Don’t fight for power with your teenager

We can all agree that our teenagers have a number of needs. The No. 1 need is the desire to belong or be a part of something.

Teens also have the desire to become independent. That is the reason they have created their own subculture that include language, values and signs. We are all aware of the growth and the development of the subculture.

It is becoming more and more difficult for parents to communicate or socialize with their teenagers. Parents and legal guardians are losing the influence on their children, while the teen subculture seems to have a great deal of influence. Eventually, that influence can take the place of parents.

You will discover that the teenager who is involved in any type of peer group will have a desire to conform to the group’s rules and values.

Once the teen shifts his or her loyalty from the parents to the peer group, the challenges begin at home. It is very apparent that when the situation gets to that point, it will turn into a power struggle.
As parents, have you ever said to your teenager, “We’ll show you who’s the boss”?

At that particular time, the parents will have a tendency to become controlling and restrictive because they are using fear as a motivator. Don’t engage in a power struggle with your teenager. That is the sign of a parent who has lost control.

Another sign is when parents say, “Go ahead and do your own thing — you are old enough to decide for yourself.”

Sometimes parents think it is much easier to let them do whatever they want. That way, there are no fights in the home. I believe this parenting method has contributed to the development of an increasing amount of peer groups.

Another challenge is that a number of parents submit to the power of the teen subculture.

I hear some people say, “If you can’t beat them, join them.”

Let me point out that a parent should be a parent and a child should be a child. Parents should not try to become like teenagers in order for the child to listen to them. It is very easy for your child to lose respect if he or she thinks you are one of his or her friends.

Just think: How many friends does your child have? And how many friends has he or she lost?

Things may be going well one day when you’re playing the role of “friend” … but when you get tough and put on your “parent” hat, you might lose both your friend and your child.

Consistency is key.

You may think that all these peer groups have so much influence and power over your child that you’ll never be able to do anything about it. I believe you still have a chance to get your child back.

And always remember that you have so much to offer your children.

I will continue this topic in my next column. God bless.

Kalenga is a high school soccer coach who helps lead the Rize-Up youth ministry.