Mitch Sneed at Large

Here are some signs that the end is near…

I never thought I’d see a day when I’d pay more for water than a Coca-Cola, or as we called any soft drink in Georgia,—a Coke. I paid $1.49 for a bottle of water yesterday. A can of Coke was $.99.
I called a minivan cool last night.
I drank a beer and realized my pinkie was sticking out.
I actually purchased a pair of plaid Bermuda shorts. They were from a thrift store, but still, I’m just saying…
I know the first names of four U.S. gymnasts.
I know the words to a jingle used in a Pepto Bismol commercial.
I’ve had more conversations this week about the weather than I have about football.
I actually watched the Weather Channel for two hours and there was no hurricane slamming to coast.
I have a reminder set on my television that the new episode of Meerkat Manor comes on at 8:30 p.m. Friday nights.
I saw a pretty young girl leaving the 7-11 and thought to myself, “Where were those girls when I was young?” I then realized, they weren’t even born yet.
I have had to search for my keys three times in the last week. I have a jar on my dresser that has as many nuts, bolts and screws in it as it does change.
I now own a device called a Manshaver, to mow off hair in places that it really isn’t supposed to grow.
I thought today as I was getting ready for work that I would like to be either a truck driver, a roadie for a country music band or a street vendor selling hot dogs and hamburgers in a park in Atlanta.
I thought to myself why there don’t have two-story mobile homes for people who have money.
I figured out while watching women’s basketball in the Olympics that the team with the moist makeup on always loses.
I saw an article about drugs in horseracing and how they were going to do more testing. Who holds the cup for a horse’s drug test? Talk about a dirty job.
I looked at my dog Savannah and thought, “It would be cool to be a dog.”
I’d rather go fishing than go to a bar.
I like stewed tomatoes and cornbread more than I like nuclear hot wings these days.
A baseball hat is better than brushing your hair on Saturday morning.
I thought that it would be better to buy a couple of goats than have to cut the grass every week.
I started to go to the store last night after realizing we needed a few things. I’d already gotten in the P.E. shorts and T-shirt and though I’d throw on some tennis shoes and go. I realized I almost left the house wearing black socks and shorts. I realized it and changed, but I was that close…
The end is near indeed.