Make your kid smarter with my ‘Baby Genius’ education program

The Walt Disney Co. is offering parents who bought Baby Einstein videos for their youngsters a refund because, as it turns out, moms and dads can’t park Junior’s high chair in front of the flat screen and return an hour later to find him piecing together the great American novel from leftover alphabet soup.

The Boston-based advocacy group Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood hammered Disney for years over the video series, which purported to make little rugrats smarter.

“There is no credible evidence that any screen media is educational for children under two,” CCFC’s Director Susan Linn said in a press release, “so we are pleased by this offer.”

Anecdotally, though, I can attest that a childhood spent staring into the numbing glow of a console TV did teach me a number of valuable lessons, such as Acme products are inherently defective, talking dogs can help teenagers solve crimes, and guys called “The Professor” are handy to have around when stranded on deserted islands.

I’m certainly no Einstein, baby or otherwise, but an early TV saturation did me no real harm aside from my incredibly short attention span and — what was I just writing about? Oh, it was ... No, that wasn’t it. I’ll just watch a little TV and come back to this later ...

... as I was explaining last Thursday, the American Academy of Pediatrics, which, I learned from its Web site, has nothing to do with the Academy Awards, recommends that children under age 2 watch no television. Nearly all child-rearing experts agree it’s much better to read to a youngster that age to increase his or her vocabulary, thinking and social skills. That’s why I’ve developed Scott’s Baby Genius Newspaper Education Program.

Here’s the infomercial. Just pretend it’s on TV:

Hi, I’m Scott. You may remember me from the newspaper you canceled last year. Are you a parent who bought the Baby Einstein series and were disappointed to find that it didn’t transform your drooling little crib urchin into a pint-sized nuclear physicist? Did you purchase the Baby Hulk Hogan series plus the six-month supply of cherry-flavored chewable steroids, yet your 2-year-old has no discernable arm definition and you can’t understand why?

It’s because TV lies! Ask anyone who bought those male-enhancement products — TV lies!

Newspapers, though, are the truth-packed alternative scientifically proven to add points to your child’s IQ. (Note: Adding points to your child’s IQ has not been scientifically proven. Newspapers cannot be held responsible for stupid children.)

Scott’s Baby Genius Newspaper Education Program works like this: Buy a newspaper and read it to your baby. (If it’s a story about tax codes or one that includes the words “annexation” or “infrastructure,” you may want to give him a sippy cup full of Red Bull to keep him awake.)

It’s as simple as that. Soon, your baby will be interested in seven-car pileups, cheating governors, swine flu, his horoscope, the antics of that lovable screw-up Beetle Bailey and letters to the editor that question where the president was born.

Parents, forget those expensive video series. Try Scott’s Baby Genius Newspaper Education Program. We guarantee it will work or your money back. (Note: Money-back guarantee void where prohibited, which is where you are.)

Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a columnist for Media General News Service.