When it comes to showing your gratitude, lead from the front

Many war movies, and history books, glorify the generals who led their troops into battle. It wasn’t enough for them to sit back and say “thank you” to those who returned after the heavy action was over; instead their actions showed their appreciation.

Whether this was actually the case, or simply embellishment, is sometimes debatable, but our reverence for those who “lead from the front” doesn’t change.

This month, Americans are giving thanks; and as a leadup to Turkey Day, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to truly be thankful. Last week, I discussed recognizing those who work behind the scenes to make life better for their neighbors. But that led me to question whether saying “thank you” was always enough.

The classic example of this “words vs. deeds” conundrum plays out in my home every day and may sound familiar:

My wife wakes up, makes the bed, gets my son dressed and fed, makes our breakfast and starts work for her job. Later, she cooks dinner, talks my son through every bite, and vacuums the floor to catch the food his mouth forgot. And then, if she has some spare time, she can watch television for about 10 minutes if she needs to fold some laundry.

It’s only then that I show up, my one contribution being bath and bedtime for our son, and sit down with her. Of course, I’ll promptly change the channel from whatever she was watching, and the next time I look up (anywhere from five to 45 minutes later), she’ll be asleep and pinning me to the couch.

And this is where it gets tricky: If I really wanted to show my appreciation for all she does each day, I’d let her stay asleep — I’ve never known her to spoil her bedtime with a nap. But, more often than not, I wake her up and tell her I’m ready for bed.

Now that you all know I’m the biggest jerk on the planet (or just male), I’ll also acknowledge that I’m aware that saying “thank you” to my wife, which I do, carries little water compared to the actions that reflect that appreciation. As I heard one of my sisters say to her husband once: “Don’t say ‘thank you’ — clean the bathroom!”

While it’s most obvious in domestic situations, people do things for us all day, every day. Someone may hold the door, let you merge into traffic or actually stop their car so that you can cross in the crosswalk (I’ve heard rumors this does happen). In most of these situations, we respond with a “thanks,” a “thank you” or a hand wave. We either appreciate their consideration or we’re responding by reflex, but we know we’ve been on the receiving end of nice manners.

That should translate, but often it doesn’t. The next time it’s our turn to hold the elevator, tell the shopper with the single item to jump us in line, or stop for that pedestrian in the crosswalk, it’s almost just as automatic for us to think, “Now what does this jerk want?” It doesn’t mean we don’t do what we should; it’s just not as instinctive to “provide” the courtesy as it is to “expect” it.

When it comes to “thank you,” there’s a lot to be learned from history’s most famous generals. Lead from the front! Because words without actions never mean as much.

Clements’ column runs every Monday.