Will an illegal immigrant with rusty garden shears do my tonsillectomy?

With all the hoopla, blustering and misinformation surrounding health care reform, it’s no wonder many Americans are confused, scared, angry, sweaty, nauseous and covered in a mysterious rash.
TV sound bites, radio talk shows and town hall meetings have left us wondering whether or not a guy at the Post Office will perform our next colonoscopy.

We need answers. As the late, great philosopher Jed Clampett once said, it’s time to quit blowing fur and get to the hide.

Can’t some expert, someone with a firm grasp of public health issues, step forward and tackle in a Q&A format the important questions we’re all asking?

No?

Really, no one?

Heck, I’ll give it a shot. Welcome to Scott’s Health Care Reform Q&A (sponsored by Asset Pharmaceuticals, a division of the Beijing-based Xaing Corp).

Q. First, I just want to thank you, Scott, for stepping forward to tackle in a Q&A format the important questions we’re all asking.

A. You’re welcome.

Q. So, does this look infected to you?

A. Let’s stick with policy. This is a Q&A about health care reform.

Q. Because I don’t think it’s supposed to be green. I tried to look it up on the Internet at my granny’s house, but she wouldn’t get off Facebook.

A. Do you have a question about the proposed plan?

Q. Yes sir, I do. Under the proposed plan, I heard that heavily armed government storm troopers will rappel from black helicopters in the middle of the night and force me at gunpoint to have an unwanted
tonsillectomy. Is this true?

A. No. There is no forced tonsillectomy provision.

Q. Under the proposed plan, I heard that if I actually wanted a tonsillectomy, I would have to wait in line for six years, then an illegal immigrant with a pair of rusty garden shears would perform the procedure. Is this true?

A. No. Section 35, Subsection B of the plan clearly states “tonsillectomies shall not be performed by (1) illegal immigrants wielding rusty garden shears; (2) hoboes with dull pocket knives; or (3) anyone named ‘Dr. Funkenstein.’”

Q. My granny said she’s Facebook friends with Sarah Palin and Sarah told her the health care overhaul bill would set up a “death panel” where the government decides which old person was fit to live or die, and now granny’s in trouble with the law because she opened up on a Census worker with her .410 thinking he was taking notes on her for the death panel. Will there be a death panel?

A. No. Those who perpetuate this notion are simply wrong.

Q. Who gets to be on the death panel?

A. Again, there is no death panel.

Q. If there was a death panel, could I be on it?

A. I don’t know. Probably not.

Q. Why, because the death panel would be full of illegal immigrants who came over here to take all our good death panel jobs?

A. Please, let’s move on to the next question, preferably something that does not involve a nonexistent death panel.

Q. Let’s say my boy Junior needs an emergency tonsillectomy and our family physician Dr. Funkenstein is out of town on a golf outing sponsored by Asset Pharmaceuticals. Under the proposed plan, I heard the government can, under the guise of performing an emergency tonsillectomy, whisk away Junior, secure him in a secret underground laboratory and transform him through nanotechnology into a cyborg that performs euthanasia on old people targeted by the death panel. Is this true?

A. Yes. That one is true.

Q. I knew it. I’m going to get on Facebook and tell my granny.

Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. His column is distributed through Media General News Service.