Planning vows for a wedding more complicated than one may think

“With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow.” – The Book of Common Prayer, 1789

We have all heard those and other familiar lines when attending weddings of friends and family, perhaps even our own, probably without giving too much thought to the relevance. But from “Dearly Beloved” through to “Til death do you part”, planning the vows for your ceremony is the single most important consideration you need to make.

Did you realize that in a standard Church of England (Anglican) wedding the phrase “I do” isn’t actually used? The traditional response to the Vicar’s questions is “I will.”

You all probably know by now that Steve and I are having a traditional church ceremony in my local parish. To undertake a religious ceremony here in England you really are restricted to a set procedure of events, in order words, the order of the ceremony follows a set pattern and the couple don’t really deviate from this. The primary choices the couple have to make are selecting the readings and the hymns. The other choice of course is whether to opt for the original text from 1662, the slightly revised version from 1789, or the even more modern version which replaces words such as thee and thou with you and your and is altogether more easy to understand.

Steve and I have decided on the original text as it is such a lovely ceremony. The only thing we haven’t decided on is whether to keep in the word “obey.” There is a whole raft of controversy surrounding this one little word, and it’s probably something best kept for another discussion. All I can say is, if I have to promise to obey, he has to promise to worship – and I can definitely live with that!

Of course, the traditional church ceremony wouldn’t be complete without the Form of Solemnisation which has remained virtually unchanged since 1662 and which has been copied and adapted by civil and non-denominational ceremonies the world over as a way of welcoming the congregation and setting the scene for the marriage that follows: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy matrimony.”

In the U.S. you are lucky, you choose your location, for example, your parents’ garden, or a cliff overlooking a bay, and the minister turns up and performs the ceremony. Here in the UK we are not so fortunate. If we want a religious ceremony, then we have to marry in church, there is no room for discussion! If, for example, Steve and I wanted to marry on the cliffs overlooking the Yorkshire coastline, we would run into a couple of rather major obstacles — firstly, in the UK weddings held in boats, trains or marquees, or in the open air are not permitted (although given our rather unreliable weather, that’s probably just common sense) and secondly, we would have to settle for a civil ceremony as the marriage would have to be performed by a Registrar (our equivalent of your city hall judge) because ministers aren’t permitted to perform marriages outside of their church.

Notwithstanding these restrictions, the church is finding itself facing more and more competition from civil ceremonies as many young couples turn away from the church in favor of “celebrity” style weddings.

For civil ceremonies in the UK the marriage vows are very similar to the church ceremony except the bride and groom make statements to each other rather than answering questions, for example “I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband etc.” If couples are happy to forego the religious content, they can open up more choices and opportunities to tailor the ceremony to suit their own individual style and personality — so long as they don’t want to marry outside!

Until fairly recently, civil ceremonies were only conducted at the couple’s local town hall or registry office — usually some faceless, grey building — but for couples on a tight budget it was often their only choice.

However, in April 1995, the law was relaxed and many hotels, football clubs, stately homes and even supermarkets (don’t ask) registered as licensed marriage venues. In fact, any building that does not have a religious connection, past or present, can register as a licensed venue. Many of these venues offer the complete wedding service including the reception and guest accommodation all in one, making it a one-stop wedding shop! Furthermore, couples have the flexibility of writing their own vows if they wish, making them personal and special to each other. Whereas traditionally, a civil ceremony was more low key, more and more brides are opting for all-out glamour for their day, following in the footsteps of the Hollywood A-listers. Nowadays a civil wedding can cost as much, if not more than a church wedding!

The change in the civil ceremony has slowly but surely brought about a change in the perception of marriages here in the UK, which was brought to the fore in 2005 when the law changed again and the introduction of civil partnerships was brought into effect. Civil partnerships follow the same structure as a standard civil ceremony but are specifically designed for same sex couples.

Even more groundbreaking was the marriage, which took place last year at St Bartholomew the Great in London. In a ceremony conducted by the parish rector, two male priests exchanged vows and rings.

Whether you choose a religious or civil ceremony, the most important thing to remember is that this is your special day and the vows you make will bind you together and help you through your wonderful, lifelong journey.