Mr. Romance makes his return

A quick glance at the calendar tells me it is February 2012, only 10 short months from the fiery, apocalyptic end of humanity.

I received an ancient Mayan desk calendar for Christmas, by the way.

And February, in addition to being National Pet Dental Health Month, is when I adopt the lovable persona of Mr. Romance, which has proven even more popular than my other personas, Mr. Gassy and Mr. Fly into a Blind Rage at the Drop of a Hat.

Mr. Romance, your expert guide to matters of the heart, last appeared in 2009, followed by two years of litigation and a settlement that mandates that I state this: Mr. Romance is not a licensed relationship therapist, astronaut or ventriloquist. Advice given by Mr. Romance is for entertainment purposes only, and those who are stupid enough to follow it heretofore give up any and all rights to file a claim against this publication should he or she be shot with a stun gun by an enraged spouse in the parking lot of the Star-Lite Motel while wearing nothing but a pair of leather chaps.

Let’s get started with the questions, shall we?

Dear Mr. Romance,

My girlfriend wants to go to Denny’s on Valentine’s Day, but I told her I was staying home to floss my pit bull Snooki’s teeth in observance of National Pet Dental Health Month. Then she got all up in my business, so I said, "You better chill, girl," and then she said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. We’re booked on the ‘Maury’ show next month, and you need to get both a DNA and polygraph test before then."

My question is, what is the best dental floss for pit bulls?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

I recommend Oral B-eef Flavored.

Dear Mr. Romance,

Recently, I stopped by the neighborhood bar to have a few drinks, since my wife, who is regional distribution manager for Zap-Rite Stun Guns, was out of town at one of her frequent stun gun conventions. I must admit I have been feeling somewhat neglected as of late. When my wife is not working, she is busy with her hobby, which is collecting GPS tracking devices.

At the bar, I innocently struck up a conversation with an attractive woman. It turns out we like many of the same things, such as long walks on the beach, drinking tequila straight out of the bottle and western wear.

The conversation went something like this:

"My wife doesn’t understand me."

"What?"

"My wife doesn’t understand me."

"What? I can’t understand you. You’ve had way too much tequila."

We hit it off, to say the least, and have communicated frequently by text, instant messaging, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, registered mail and smoke signals.

Today, she asked me to meet her at the Star-Lite Motel for lunch, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have anything there but a vending machine full of out-of-date Cheetos. Should I take her up on the offer?

Signed,

To Cheat, Oh, or Not to Cheat, Oh.

Dear Cheat,

I say go for it. What’s the worst that could happen?

Dear Mr. Romance,

I recently read somewhere we are only 10 short months from the fiery, apocalyptic end of humanity, so I have decided to devote more time to my loving husband and less time to the demands of my job as regional distribution manager for Zap-Rite Stun Guns. In fact, I’m considering attaching one of my GPS tracking devices – they’re a hobby of mine – to his truck and then surprising him in public with flowers, candy and a bottle of his favorite tequila.

What do you think?

Signed,

Shockingly Sweet.

Dear Sweet,

Ever considered adopting a pit bull? They are remarkably loyal creatures with beautiful, healthy teeth and gums.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, NC and a columnist for the Media General News Service.