The plight of the penny and how I can make some coin

President Obama wants cheaper pennies.

Former U.S. Rep. Jim Kolbe wants no pennies.

Americans for Common Cents wants us all to appreciate the penny’s importance to the economic well-being of our nation, even if that penny is cemented to a car cup holder with the dried remnants of a spilled Big Gulp.

As for me, I want to make some coin off this simmering penny controversy.

On Feb. 15, CNNMoney.com reported that the Obama administration asked Congress for authorization to change the mix of metals in pennies — and nickels, too, but we will save nickels for another day when I am again slap out of interesting column ideas — so the coins can be minted more efficiently.

In 2011, according to the story, Americans paid 2.4 cents to make each penny. The mint produces 1.3 billion pennies, which means we’re forking over a little more than $100 million to produce what many leave in the tray at the convenience store for anyone who comes up a couple of cents short of a 40 dawg. (Thank you, by the way.)

Kolbe, the former Republican representative from Arizona, has long pushed for elimination of the lowly cent piece.

"The penny has been a nuisance for years," he said at a 2006 press conference, "but now that the cost of a penny exceeds its value, the landscape of the debate has completely changed."

Bills introduced in 2001 and 2006 calling for rounding up or down, depending on the price of goods or services, essentially putting the penny out to pasture, did not fare well.

And that’s just fine with Americans for Common Sense, a "broad-based coalition of more than 40 organizations dedicated to keeping the penny a part of the nation’s coinage system."

In other words, they love them some pennies.

"This legislation is bad for Americans and bad for our money system," Mark W. Weller, executive director of Americans for Common Cents said of Kolbe’s bill. "Most lawmakers understand that a strong majority of Americans - approximately two-thirds (66%) according to a recent national poll – want to keep the penny."

Clearly, the future of the penny is one of the most pressing issues facing us today, right below global warming and just above zombie apocalypse.

As someone once described as "the voice of his generation" by a guy who was two cents short of a 40 dawg at the convenience store, I believe it is my obligation to take a bold stand, pro-penny or anti-penny.

And I will, as soon as each side bids on my services as a paid — preferably not in pennies — celebrity spokesperson.

Here’s a sample of my pro-penny stance: "Hello, I’m Scott Hollifield, recently voted third-most popular recurring newspaper character after Snuffy Smith and the guy who keeps getting arrested for stealing scrap metal. Do you love pennies? Me, too. But President Obama, who has yet to respond to my request to review his birth certificate, wants to change the penny. And former Rep. Jim Kolbe, who may or may not be a vampire, wants to do away with pennies altogether. Join me in the fight to save our precious pennies."

And my anti-penny stance: "Hello, I’m Scott Hollifield, recently voted third sexiest newspaper icon after William Randolph Hearst and Ziggy. Do you hate pennies? Me, too. That’s why I support President Obama’s initiative to change the mix of metals so the coins can be minted more efficiently, perhaps even with a delicious nougaty center. And I, like former Rep. Jim Kolbe, look forward to a day in the not-so-distant future when there are no pennies cemented to my car’s cup holder with the dried remnants of a spilled Big Gulp."

I’m waiting, penny lovers/haters, to make some coin. Again, preferably not pennies.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, NC and a columnist for the Media General News Service.