COLUMN: Dead people voting can only mean one thing

The attorney general of South Carolina said a review shows 900 dead people voted in recent elections across the state, a number he finds "alarming."

"I could believe 700 or 800, but 900? Jumping Jehoshaphat!" he did not say in a news release.

What he actually said was this: "… research has revealed evidence that over nine hundred deceased people appear to have ‘voted’ in recent elections in South Carolina. This is an alarming number, and clearly necessitates an investigation into potential criminal activity."

With all due respect to the attorney general — and I say "all due respect" because his website lists him as a former civil litigator who must know 326 ways to sue me — you, sir, are barking up the wrong palmetto. Evidence that 900 dead people voted across the state does not indicate potential criminal activity, it is a clear sign that South Carolina is ground zero for the zombie apocalypse.

Now that we’ve settled that, what happens next? Obviously, politicians will begin pandering to the all-important zombie voter. In the very near future, we’ll be subjected to undead town hall speeches like this:

***

Thank you all very much for shambling in here today. I know that some of you even crawled, and I appreciate that. As you may have heard, my campaign manager was bitten on the way into the hall today, but I am sure everything will turn out fine as it usually does when people are bitten by zombies.

I would also like to thank the attorney general for that wonderful introduction and for not suing my good friend Scott who wildly misquoted him for comedic effect in a column that I am sure very few people read.

But I’m not here to keep my good friend Scott out of legal trouble. I am here to keep you, the fine, upstanding, God-fearing zombie voters of South Carolina, out of political trouble. You see, my opponent talks a good game. He claims to look out for the interests of zombies. He says he supports a tax cut on brains because he knows how much zombies love brains. He says he wants more shabby, rotting clothing made right here in America instead of overseas. He’ll look you right in your one remaining eye and tell you exactly what you want to hear, if you still have ears.

But his time in the legislature tells a different story. He has a track record of cozying up to vampire lobbyists and werewolf PACs while forgetting about the needs of zombies, the backbone of this great state. See, there’s a backbone right over there.

At a campaign stop today at a previously abandoned warehouse overrun by a lot of you folks, I met a man who said his name was ARGHH. Or something like that. I shook ARGHH’s hand. In fact, I have it here with me. It just snapped right off. ARGHH told me his main concerns were border security, the rising national debt and not getting shot in the head by a roving band of zombie-hating vigilantes.

I feel your pain, ARGHH. Well, not literally because you have obviously felt a lot of pain.

We are at a crossroads in South Carolina. We can continue down the path of fiscal irresponsibility and moral decline or we can be quarantined by an armed militia in hazmat suits who hope to contain the zombie virus. Or, just before the crossroads, we can turn off on the side street of truth, justice and the American way, where the living and the undead join forces for a better tomorrow.

Thank you and good night.

***

On second thought, an investigation into potential criminal activity isn’t a bad idea.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, NC and a columnist for the Media General News Service.